Thoughts on happiness

Everything I ever wrote, I wrote for the same purpose. Happiness. How many people miss out on such a simple thing? And if they do, can we then call it simple? Maybe many of us never find it because we are looking in the wrong places. But then, it is pretty hard to know where the right ones are. I'm not really sure if anybody knows that, yet there are people – and quite a few in number – that did find it, and held on to it and that, up until today, have never lost it ever again. No matter how hard it got, they just did not loose it anymore. So, how do we explain this? The sixty year old man, at the train station, with the smile on his face. A smile, so deep and pure, you cannot imagine this man without it. It's almost too beautiful to be real, and that in itself, is sad. Or, to take another example, the happy couple that walks down the street. Not in a touchy feely manner that makes you want to vomit silently in a corner, no, but the togetherness kind of happy. The one that looks real, and that, in its very own soft and honest manner, probably is. Yet again, so crudely wonderful, it's hard to imagine that these people could loose it. Ever. And even if they should, how would they then forget this? How could they believe it's impossible to find, when they had it right there, in that very moment? That, too, is sort of sad to the observer. Happiness often has this effect on us, is it not? The thought that, as you look at it from a distance, you may never feel it. You may never get there. Or, if you did, that you may never hold on to it forever. Is it just temporary, this happiness? Is it that this particular man, or the dreamy couple, or anyone who looks deeply touched by contentment, just got lucky and that this luck, no matter what, is doomed to fail? Is it just an exception, only there for a few moments, to consequently vanish and leave us staring into the same old abyss we had once denied our gods in? Is that the true reason why happiness can make us so incredibly sad sometimes?

I don't consider myself a particularly “lucky” person etiher, you know. Apart from the fact that I am talented at ruining things, a lot of things around me also just get ruined by circumstances far beyond my control (or anyone else's). I have this joke with a friend that God probably sits up there, watching me, waiting eagerly for me to feel good so that he can finally go back to amusing himself by throwing random obstacles my way. Just for the fun of it. I love that joke, because I really like to imagine Mister God Himself gniffling as he chooses another grand coup from his “torture tools”-box. On the other hand, I can't believe that life works that way. It is far from what I've learned. Truly, it's not that some people are simply better off than others, a kind of lottery that works in a completely random manner. No, no, no ... life just isn't fair, and it also never will be. Yet, personally, this is exactly why it indeed appears very fair to me. Or am I crazy? In the end, there's one truth that will never disappoint you. Namely, that you can only securely rely on the fact that you cannot really rely on anything to make you happy or unhappy. If you look for blame, be it in yourself or in the “evil” people around you, then you sort of deprive yourself from gaining on happiness. Most importantly, you become less free. And the feeling (because it's nothing physicial, trust me) of freedom is the closest you will ever get to eternal happiness. Yes, I know, sounds pretty easy. It really isn't. Here's a flash to all of those comfortable people out there – happiness is essentially not easy. And it certainly doesn't come for free so maybe you should quit the lottery type of thinking, that limiting and boring one in which you just sit and wait around. But for what? Really, once you reach a certain age, there are no easy years anymore in which you can avoid suffering and pain. You wish. On the other hand, there is also no comparable type of joy. I mean, seriously, nobody telling you how to live, where to go or what to believe in? Finally, you're allowed to breathe that grown up air! But then, why is it that all you would really love to do is to go back to being that child that always complained about its lack of autonomy? Maybe, you still do not really deserve it. But don't worry, it may not be easy to reach, yet whenever you start learning a few essential lessons, you are on the right track anyway. A few of them, I have listed already, right? Do you remember? Wait, just let me recapitulate for a sec'.

1. Eternal happiness is not void of suffering, it only improves your capacity to live with it and learn from it faster and more constructively. At the same time, your good times become better. Life is fuller. It contains more, but truer, emotions and that in itself enlightens you if you learn to draw the conclusion I already mentioned before: “it's not that some people are better off than others”... it's all about attitude!

2. Freedom, as in realizing the wisdom in that last statement above, is the closest link to happiness you can find in life. Freedom means comprehending that life is indeed not a lottery, and that you're not just eihter lucky or unlucky – whatever that means. But that, in each and every single circumstance, you are you and contentment is right in front of you.
3. Freedom is not a physical experience of being able to move without constraints in space. It's much rather a spiritual recognition that the power to be free is in your mind. When viewed this way, no physical constraints can ever break your sense of freedom, unless you let them. And yes, this includes being “locked up”, because sometimes freedom means nothing more than realizing that, although they can lock up your body, noone but you holds the key to lock up your mind.
4. He who does not realize one until four limits him or herself in quite a damaging way concerning the attainment of happiness. If you limit yourself in that way, you do not have any automony. And, until you start changing inside, you never will. Fortunately (for them?), though, people with a severe lack of autonomy often also lack that very recognition.

Sounds a lot like “stupid people are happier people” to you because, basically, I just said that if you do not realize your lack of autonomy, you can also not really notice your lack of freedom or, consequently, your lack of happiness? Not really. There is nothing admirable about being a numb fuck, who's dead inside, particularly while you're still alive. Not daring to be free, happy, or to simply feel is not the same as being happy. It is, in its simplest terms, being dead. And you may not be unhappy when you're dead, but you're also not the opposite. Actually, you're a little bit of nothing. Is that your goal in life, my friend? Because if it is your goal, just close this page, 'cause this is not for those that love to dwell in self-pity, or those that enjoy to avoid experiencing most or even all kinds of feelings. This is for people that believe in this reality, that simply love the idea of life and know, in the most accurate sense of the word, that there is “more to life”... please, without attaching any kind of nonsensical belief in the afterlife to, especially, this latter statement. No, it is for all of those mad people around us that know, deep down inside: God exists, but I am the one creating him, it's me who's in control of my life. That means: whenever I cannot control the huge amount of crap flying my way – and, well, I can't – I can still control what shield I will grab to avoid it hitting me right in the face! Again, just get it: Life is not about fairness, it is not about getting what you want ... It is about being happy anyway, even when you're not and there's no single reason to be, because you learn to never, ever, ever forget that apart from death, you can survive anything. Yes, anything, including God's magic “torture tools”-box.

That Thing Called I

The stage is dark, with a dim little light shining precisely in the middle and sitting under it, an odd little figure. Female, human, barely visible. The sound of fine tuning an old radio is audible, accompanied by a plangent yet melodical sound.

I suppose I'm quite happy. It feels happy to me, what I imagine it to be. I mean, who knows, right? Life is so complex and you're, like ... you're just this tiny little piece within a tiny little piece, isn't it? I love being here, at least I'm here, you know? It's always better to live than not to, I'd say. So much to make of it, isn't there? So incredibly much.

Well, of course I sometimes find it overwhelming. I ... just halt for a moment when that happens, you understand? It's not really like pausing, well ... well yes, it's a little like pausing. I let my mind rest, sort of, try to find out what matters. Find out what matters in silence. I walk steady once I know ... but the knowing? Ha! Right? Well, what else ... ?

I feel a lot, probably a little more than most. Scary, sometimes, I think. I have no words for it. It's ... a little out of the ordinary, maybe ... I mean just possibly exaggerated. I enjoy fall a lot. It's a passionate season in a way, it ... it just makes me want to go outside, see the leaves become something of a glowy orange. It's a kind of ... natural magic maybe, I don't know?

I always repeat things in my head, endlessly, like a tune that never stops bugging you. I mean ... I'm not that tune, of course, you know ... what I mean? I replay, and change. I like the idea of alternatives, even those I know will never happen. And those that could still happen. The future. Glowy, glowy future. I believe it is ... so painfully far away and yet so scarily close by, no?

I sometimes wonder if I don't have too much of it, the thinking and the feeling. I ... well, honestly, it is making little holes in my scull. I'm kidding, obviously, it's a metaphor of course but ... no, seriously, I. I'm sorry, I forgot what I wanted to say, silly me. Right? I love the stars. Don't you? I look at them and think about how, in a way, they contain ... the dreams of mankind. The wishes, the mythologies ...

Well ehhh ... what else can I add? It's foggy sometimes, this life. It can be, I mean no it is, actually, so mindblowing and yet so absolutely frightening, ... heck, it can even be both at the same time! I do not need to tell you, do I? I ... well, to sum up ... I am human, of course”, laughs “but I am sure that you already knew. What else am I? Well ... I just wouldn't know. I mean ... would you?”

And then there was some sort of strange yet peaceful silence.

Between two worlds

I have always enjoyed philosophy, history, anthropology, and all of the natural sciences. But I have never truly understood this one poignant human capacity to lie to ourselves, in a way, that requires more vigilence than is commonly attributed to most individuals. I find it strange to write, because I tend to think more than I write and often find it troublesome to summarize my thoughts. But I have something to say, and for lack of ability to express it shortly, I must write and I must simply hope that the exercise will not be futile – that I will not stop after two pages for I will deem my train of thoughts impossible to follow and get off this powerful train at the next stop.

What has befallen humanity? I do not know, but a part of me thinks, nothing has befallen it at all. That something has is, simply put, the idea that something went wrong, that humanity was great and harmonious until it fell into a hole, never to recover. And to some extent it has, but for this we must understand not history, but thought. Because history never truly changes, it repeats itself endlessly as if it were caught in a time loop. As if everything only had a limited number of potential courses and outcomes, and once they have been walked, they must all be walked again by the following generations. Over and over. We may say that after the Greeks we no longer believed in essences anymore, but is this true?

Has not Hegel believed in the essence of freedom and thought? Has not Kant believed in the essence of morality? Has not liberalism pursued the goal of essential freedom of speech and thought and of essential freedom from harm? And do we not think our truths are essentially right, or at least more right than those of other people? Is this not why our wars against terrorists and other perceived evils are so essentially driven by fear and the wish to extinguish this fear? We humans must think in essences, for it appears so hard to us to move in this world without them.

It is not simple to walk a difficult path, termed life, and have nothing steady to hold on to, when in this society meanings and values are being altered every single day, with every new discovery, with every new opportunity. Of course, needing the eternal to survive the fragile is a sign of weakness in Nietzsche's eyes.. and he is right. He who upholds essential truths is too scared to admit they are not out there. But it is also a sign of strength, to uphold essential principles in a human world so void of them. So which way must we walk? What world shall we live in? One filled with wonder, or one filled with reality?

And how would I know that reality contains no wonder, at least none larger than the miracle of life itself? It seems to be the tip of the worldly iceberg, to assume to know what lies beneath the water. An exaggerated belief in nothingness, senselessness as opposed to constructed meaning, eternal moral value. The creative power of destruction is so often being ignored, when the fear to reconstruct out of nothing is far larger than the joy to drown in it. To be one with the flow of time: appearance & disappearance. I face two worlds, once again. And I turn away from what I wish to see to what you fear is really there. I toss a coin and I walk, in this world of which I talk.

Raise them so that they will recognize tragedy as a part of life, a catalyst that contains in its darkness the seeds of the brightest lights

Exaggerate!

Don't limit yourself to just one way of looking at the world, that would be like limiting yourself to one book, one ice cream flavor, one genre of music and movies, one vacation spot, one color or one friend. Isn't life a thousand times too short for that? Experience as much as you can. The only thing that comes but once is time, don't waste it!